Rewind

I feel like I am on rewind, not in a bad way but in a way that makes me remember and be thankful.

I am seeing my hubby go through some tough times with his family. I remember my feelings surrounding losing my grandparents and it gets so tough to see him go through it. And I wonder if I am ready to rewind and do it over again with his grandparents? I suppose I have no choice, ready or not, tough times are ahead...but sometimes I wish there was a pause button. I am not ready to keep moving forward. I am scared. I know I need to trust in God's plan (this seems to be my daily struggle) but when I am faced with such horrible realizations about life here on Earth it really gets tough to trust. I feel like I am on rewind and I am thankful that my grandparents are already partying in heaven (all but my wonderful Grandma Carter) and I have the good memories and I am past the hard times.

I feel like I am on rewind when I listen to co-workers and friends talk about wedding plans. I am so glad that my wedding was two years ago. I do not miss all the stress and frustration. The feeling that time is constantly slopping through your fingers and wondering if on that magical day things will finally come together in a neat little bow. I am glad I have my DVD to rewind and remember that day and that I do not ever have to go back (or at least until I have children of my own and have to help there...but thats fast forwarding a bit).

I feel like I am on rewind when I hear a friend talk about how tired she is when she gets home. How she puts so much time into teaching and then comes home tired and aggravated. I remember how tough it was to come home from a full day at school and to have a fresh marriage (okay mine is still pretty fresh too, but stick with me) be the sounding board for my frustration. I am thankful that I can choose to NOT rewind to that time where my Hubby was the brunt of my exhaustion. I am glad that I have a well balanced life and a marriage that after only two years into it we have a lot figured out (own a house, no car payments, debt being paid off in 24months, crazy dog, grumpy cat).

I guess thats when I come full circle and realize that although I want to rewind because the future scares me, God has obviously made this work out this far and has it figured out for me in th future.

Then I get all emotional and weepy and want to help. I want to reach out and help solve wedding problems and exhaustion and be friends with new people. I want to push fast forward and find out what will happen to my co-workers, and friends, and if some of the co-workers could become friends in the future and if we will be okay after this impending loss of a grandparent. I want to know, NOW. But then I have to step back and trust again.

Let. Go. And. Trust. In. God.