New Directions

(no "Glee" joke intended, but still funny)

I think I might make my blog a bit different.

I'm thinking of making it a place to post memories of my childhood. I think that might give me more direction and a better theme....Of course the optional post to complain about my drab
mid-west life will interject here and there.

Something to ponder.

Book Buddies

I'm sitting in my classroom watching my four-year-olds read with their 5th grade reading buddies. It is so amazing how kind and considerate these 5th graders can be! My class just eats it up the entire time they are here. The comes in and sees it on the schedule for the day and their excitement is palpable. (It is also a hoot to hear this little voices reading with their emotions so OVER exagerated!) The favorite book today is "The Pigeon Fids a Hotdog" by Mo Willems. A classic in the making.

On to another weekend. Getting our Christmas tree tomorrow and pulling up carpet. WOOHOO! I think I am up for a fire in the fireplace tonight, hot cocoa, a good movie and some cuddling. :)

Rewind

I feel like I am on rewind, not in a bad way but in a way that makes me remember and be thankful.

I am seeing my hubby go through some tough times with his family. I remember my feelings surrounding losing my grandparents and it gets so tough to see him go through it. And I wonder if I am ready to rewind and do it over again with his grandparents? I suppose I have no choice, ready or not, tough times are ahead...but sometimes I wish there was a pause button. I am not ready to keep moving forward. I am scared. I know I need to trust in God's plan (this seems to be my daily struggle) but when I am faced with such horrible realizations about life here on Earth it really gets tough to trust. I feel like I am on rewind and I am thankful that my grandparents are already partying in heaven (all but my wonderful Grandma Carter) and I have the good memories and I am past the hard times.

I feel like I am on rewind when I listen to co-workers and friends talk about wedding plans. I am so glad that my wedding was two years ago. I do not miss all the stress and frustration. The feeling that time is constantly slopping through your fingers and wondering if on that magical day things will finally come together in a neat little bow. I am glad I have my DVD to rewind and remember that day and that I do not ever have to go back (or at least until I have children of my own and have to help there...but thats fast forwarding a bit).

I feel like I am on rewind when I hear a friend talk about how tired she is when she gets home. How she puts so much time into teaching and then comes home tired and aggravated. I remember how tough it was to come home from a full day at school and to have a fresh marriage (okay mine is still pretty fresh too, but stick with me) be the sounding board for my frustration. I am thankful that I can choose to NOT rewind to that time where my Hubby was the brunt of my exhaustion. I am glad that I have a well balanced life and a marriage that after only two years into it we have a lot figured out (own a house, no car payments, debt being paid off in 24months, crazy dog, grumpy cat).

I guess thats when I come full circle and realize that although I want to rewind because the future scares me, God has obviously made this work out this far and has it figured out for me in th future.

Then I get all emotional and weepy and want to help. I want to reach out and help solve wedding problems and exhaustion and be friends with new people. I want to push fast forward and find out what will happen to my co-workers, and friends, and if some of the co-workers could become friends in the future and if we will be okay after this impending loss of a grandparent. I want to know, NOW. But then I have to step back and trust again.

Let. Go. And. Trust. In. God.

My Halloween

My last minute decision was to dress up to hand out candy (I decided that it would be more fun that just putting the candy out and trusting each kidd-o to "Take One Only". This is my creation (and ensuing photo shoot). Many thought I was a princess, many thought I was "so pretty", "beautiful" etc... (quite an ego boost). I was in fact (after deliberating while putting together my costume) the White Queen from "Alice in Wonderland". Granted I leave much to be desired but it was fun to dress up! It was also fun to get to use my wedding dress again (no one need to know that I could barely zip it up...but I guess you all know now, ha!) It was fun!

But you know what was so dissappointing? I think I almost had the most creative costume. I saw a lot of ninjas, vampires and witches (all store bought). I saw a total of 4 homemade costumes total out of the 200 kids (I gave away that much candy, so easy math there). The taker was a girl dressed up as Halloween Barbie (complete with pink cardboard box with "Matel"and UPC code) very cute and creative!

And unfortunately I didn't have as much integrity as my father who would have never handed out candy to un-costumed teenagers carrying pillowcases. (Next year I promise to chanel my father more, but I did succeed in making silly comments to kids such as "I'm allergic please don't sting me" to a bee and "Did you see the Joker, he's right around the corner! SAVE ME!!" to Batman) I am just so disenchanted with it all. I remember how excited I would be to choose my costume and try it on for fitting as my mom made it and finally being able to wear it for Trick-Or-Treat. I had a total of ONE store bought costume and that was because of a family crisis that year, otherwise all were home made and unique.

I PROMISE TO MY FUTURE CHILDREN THAT YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A BORING STORE BOUGHT CHEAPY COSTUME EVER!!!! I also promise to remember the spirit of Halloween as a youngster. I saw so many unhappy parents yelling at their children (so sad)!!

That is/was my Halloween. I ran out of candy again and had to close up shop an hour early (but I think I had the rush) and I will never use spray hair dye again! SO PAINFUL to brush out and just totally not worth it! And I really hope my Hubby can be there next time, I've been alone for 2 years and he needs to pull up the slack! ha!

Way to Long

I used to have no limit to my posting. I would come here and VENT about my awful job situation and it seemed like life never went in the right direction. I was worried about money and my job and my pets and then...POOF! I get let go from one job, hired at another and I am suddenly out of things to blog about.

Instead of spending my day dealing with stress, I find myself looking forward to going to work! I love my new teaching gig! I find myself searching for new ideas, using more innovative teaching strategies, IT IS AWESOME! (and surprisingly, I worry less about money, now that I am making less...hmmm...?)

We had a fundraiser/festival at school over the weekend and I volunteered to get pie thrown at me and ::drumroll:: I enjoyed it! At my old establishment I would have hated the idea and loathed having to spend any extra time there. At this new place the idea of whipped topping sticking to my hair is no biggy. It excites me to be so happy!

It seems like things are finally going positively...or is it that I just finally let go?

Over the summer I experienced an awesome event in New Orleans and I think it was a turning point in my faith life. There was a song that was played and its premise was that it is okay to doubt God because he is big enough to handle that. I doubt God daily...I am human and doubting is part of the fallen world...but I find myself so much more comfortable with trusting in God's plan. He's got it figured out and I just gotta let him take the reigns.

I think that's what happened lately. I let God take the reigns. Sure I still try to nudge one way or the other but I am getting better at turning to My Father.

And the fact that my Hubby and dog have noticed a difference in my stress and happiness level is awesome. A happy Hubby (and dog) is a happy me and a happy me is GOOD!

P.S. It is also really awesome that I can talk about Jesus daily in my classroom. I can yell about His love for us at the top of my lungs and its okay! I can dance to Audio Adrenalines "Big House" and the kids dig it! I can pray at any given moment and not be looked at strangely. I can be me.

Jane Eyre and Football

My hubby is gone on his annual all guy's camping trip until Saturday morning. I always try not to worry about him and those men...they are all so dear to me and I just get worried that when they get together and start acting like idiots something bad might happen. Oh well, they are grown men and I suppose I need to let them go! :)

AND because the Hubby is gone I get control of the TV remote!!!!

(I am doing a little happy dance just now)

I love my husband but sometimes it is nice to turn on Masterpiece Theater and watch "Jane Eyre" and flip to Thursday night football.

I am so excited for football to start! I am a huge fan of the sport and love spending my afternoons cheering for my favorites! I love waking up and choosing my outfit based on my team's colors and avoiding the colors of my opponents. I love watching the coaches for their scowls and their growls (lip reading is so fun)! I love watching the players work so hard and love what they do. It has got to be such a wonderful job; getting to play a game for a living. I love yelling at my TV and pretending that what I say and do really matters to the team. I LOVE IT!

Of course I have my favorites and I live and die for the Green Bay Packers! I still love and hope the best for Brett Favre (not the Vikings...just Favre). And I recently decided that I really enjoy watching the New Orleans Saints play. After visiting The Big Easy this past summer I feel like I have a connection to da Saints. So of course tonight is tough...watching my darling Brett play against my new loves the Saints...I just hope the best for both...but in the long run....WHO DAT! So until my wonderful Cheeseheads meet DA Saints, I will cheer for them both, and then have no trouble wearing my Packer jersey and bleeding green and yellow.

Movies

I love movies.

I love to watch movies. I love to make home movies. I love watching home movies.

I watched six movies over the weekend. SIX! Hubby says that I may be a bit obsessed.

He may be right...but I just love them!

Movies are an escape from reality. Movies are a chance to experience issues that otherwise may not come to view. Movies are educational and moving.

I love movies.

I just saw a new movie tonight. "Inception" AMAZING! I was confused at the end...kinda. I think I have 3 possible ideas of what may have happened. The top fell at the end and it was reality and he just dreams of what has happened in the past over and over, the top doesn't fall and Cobb is in another level of dream after the old Japanese guy shot him...and I can't think of the third...ugh. ANYWAYS it was an amazing movie. It gave me a glimpse into another world, it challenged my worldview, it made me tear up, it made me angry, it made me awed. It was pretty close to perfect. The acting was great as were the special effects. Leo D. never disappoints! I have always loved him and I continue to really love him (and every film he does, ha)! Ellen Page played a character that was not "Juno-esque" thank goodness. And the guy from 3rd Rock for the Sun was really good too. ALL AROUND GREAT FLICK! I must own it and I want to watch it over and over. (The last movie I felt this way about was Avatar, so this is pretty high quality stuff).

The end. :) I love movies...!!!!!!!!!!

Head Above Water

I am successfully treading water at my new job. I am staying afloat...I am so exhausted but it is SO worth it.

I have enjoyed my past week and a half at this new school more than I enjoyed any one hour at my old place. It's kinda ridiculous how much I love where I work. I feel really blessed to be there and even though there have been bumps, I know that God has a plan and that this all happened for a reason.

I am also super excited to see what is in store for this next year. I have some really good ideas for lessons and I have great colleagues that are more than wonderful and ready to help me out.

And besides that?

My oldest and dearest friend got engaged last week and she is getting married in less than a year! YAY!

My hubby is starting grad school in a month and we might have some help with that, God willing. Yay, Hubby! I am so excited for him to continue learning, he is a natural student and I think it will really help his career.

And what is most amazing? I don't even have to try to stay positive, I just am! YAY!!!!

P.S. Though I am really behind on my Jillian Michaels...but I PROMISE I am trying to catch up and stay pretty vigilant!

ready or not, here comes change!

Went into work today for the first day and was told that I may not have a job.

The state still owes the center $30,000 from last years grant and they haven't started paying this years.

The owner and director have been on the phone with every state representative and even Governor Quinn's personal aid who said "Good luck! You can right a letter butt he [Quinn] probably won't even read it".

My director was crying while telling me this and it was so tough because it's not her fault. The program will either be officially cut or not by Friday. Until then I am kinda in limbo.

I have to start asking around about unemployment and what not. And then we have to figure out what we are going to do with our plans. Hubby probably won't go to grad school, I might go out of state to find a teaching job and then we'll be separated for a while, I might go and get my nursing degree, who knows.

Friday will tell all. Until then I put my trust in God; he has plans for me.

Waiting for the show to start is so unsettling; butterflies for an hour! At least I have Hanson silly-bands to get me through!

Meet My New Friend

I have heard stories of my new friend from other friends of mine, and seen pictures, but I certainly didn't expect to ever really meet her in person. We were always at the wrong place at the wrong time until yesterday at Target. I was wandering the aisles and thought "Oh ya! What about that Jillian girl, I bet she's here!"

I made my way towards the outdoors and exercise section where I knew she usually hangs around and sure enough there she was! What a deal! I come to Target, not looking for her and sure enough there she is! It was kismet (kinda)! She was always too expensive a date at other stores (Amazon = $$$). But I was definitely at the right place yesterday! $8.53! Yes! I get Jillian!

So I made my way to the check-out and happily spent some hard earned money on my new friend.

I got home and told my hubby all about her and how excited that she could finally come home with me! And he seemed....well not too enthused. (You see, I get really jazzed about things and then they don't come to fruition and obviously Hubby knows me too well and was figuring this is just another one of those times.) I told him all about Jillian and how she promised to make a difference in just 30 days and only 20 minutes a day! I mean even a chimp can commit that much time, right?!

Well I went and posted a to-do list of sorts on facebook. I told myself yesterday that I would commit 20 minutes today and Thursday to getting to know Jillian.

And today, I met her. She is a hard-a**. She kicks my butt. She is tiring. She is exhausting! I wanna quit, but then I realize "Hey, it's only 20 minutes and I CAN DO IT!" She is MOTIVATIONAL in an incredibly infuriating way. I love her!

1 day down, 29 to go!

Highs and Lows

High's:

• The month of July was amazing!
• New Orleans was a great experience; life changing and faith inspiring.
• Camping Extravaganza was PHENOMENAL! I got to go back to Michigan for a great 2 weeks. We went to Calumet, cliff jumped in Marquette while visiting my brother, saw Pictured Rocks and Mosquito Falls (yikes), Taquamenon Falls, Whitefish Point, took our first trip to Mackinac Island and got the wettest I have ever been in my life, spent a great couple of days with my parents in Traverse City swimming and eating, and then a great end of the trip in South Haven with his family.

Low's:

• Summer is ending.
• Vacation is over.
• Found out I start work in 7 days...1 week...UGH

I had high hopes for this summer and believe me this has been above and beyond my expectations. But one of my prayers was to find a new place to teach, and I feel like I have exhausted my options. I am stuck. No body is hiring anybody, not just me. I just wanted to start this year fresh and that doesn't get to happen. So instead I swallow my pride and march back to work and do the job. But that is exactly what gets to me! "Doing a Job". Teaching is supposed to be more than that...and I am in a place that has sucked the love of teaching right out of me. It is just a place that I work so I can get paid.

I've got nothing else.

first tornado watch and tstorm of the camping trip...this should be interesting!

first tornado watch and tstorm of the camping trip...this should be interesting!

Just landed in New Orleans!!! Bring on the lime green backpaks and tons of youth!!!

*Gwen*

Thursday Update

Thursday has been just as hot as yesterday and almost as lazy though my list is looking better! YAY! I really thrive on lists. I think I need to start making more of them. I used them a lot in college and it always helped me stay on task and get motivated when I crossed something off. I love that feeling of completion. So I guess I really love lists, is that strange??

To Do List (deadline 2am Saturday morning):

- Get toiletries to fit in ONE quart sized bag (does deodorant count as a gel...hmmm) TOMORROW

- Pack clothing that fits dress code and will not make me die of sweat TOMORROW

- Go through books and choose a few to donate to the lending library in New Orleans DONE

- Clean bathroom, kitchen and family room DONE

- Vacuum house DONE

- Swiffer floors DONE

- Catch up on laundry DONE

- Go to bank and get $$$ TOMORROW

- FIND BACKPACK FOR 2nd CARRY-ON...where could it be??? Sometimes declaring something to be missing makes it magically show up...I hope that works.

Wednesday - Stream of Consciousness

"Wednesday comes in the middle of the week, in the middle of the week, in the middle of the week. Why is Wednesday in the middle, it's such a funny riddle, in the middle, in the middle of the week." -Mr. Rogers

Well we are down to a little over two days away from leaving for the NYG! I am so ready to be gone. I am biding my time to pack and such because I don't wanna be all done and have days to wait still.

To Do List (deadline 2am Saturday morning):

- Get toiletries to fit in ONE quart sized bag (does deodorant count as a gel...hmmm)

- Pack clothing that fits dress code and will not make me die of sweat

- Go through books and choose a few to donate to the lending library in New Orleans

- Clean bathroom, kitchen and family room

- Vacuum house

- Swiffer floors

- Catch up on laundry

- Go to bank and get $$$

And this just in...my touch screen on my phone has decided to only respond to touches by opening things on the bottom half of the screen, not good. Hate this phone.

It is also very hot here. Outside it is 92 with a heat index of 98. The house is 80. Yuck...I feel like all I have done today is sweat.

Update

Job: Still searching for something different, but as of right now, no new prospects. I feel like I have applications out everywhere and I just wish I knew what I could do to make them notice me. I had a friend redo my resume, which is a start. I have done the calling, dropping off paperwork, not calling per the application request...hopefully someday (soon preferably) somebody will notice me.

AND I have to find a part time job to help with our long term goal of getting out of debt by next June, which is awesome! I

Marriage: Hubby and I have been going strong for 7 years total and 2 years married. It is crazy! It has been a wonderful journey and the best is yet to come! We have a pretty detailed plan for the next year and by next August life will be so different, in a very good way. And by 2012 it will be amazing, AMAZING!

House: Living in my little red cape cod house in a city in Illinois has its drawbacks. I blame Obama...well kinda. He gave us the $8,000 for being a new home owner...and we have to pay it back if we move. BUT there have been some recent developments in the area that make me not wanna stay in my little red cape cod, but unless I can discover about ten grand we are here for awhile.

Animals: Dagny the Dog is doing wonderful. She loves to swim and visit the lake. We found her a pool on the side of the road and now she is a crazy happy dog that swims in her own back yard! She has also calmed down a lot...and it started after Maizy left so I am wondering if she is a bit bored and a bit depressed and lonely. Tarlee is goin' strong with her one cloudy eye. She is also a bit lonely and is coming downstairs a lot more.

Vacations: Leaving on a jet plane for New Orleans at 3am Saturday morning, I AM SO STOKED!!! We have a bunch of great kids going and it is going to be an amazing spiritual experience for everyone involved. It's my first National Youth Gathering and I don't think it could be at a better time for all involved. And after that Hubby and I embark on a 2-week long camping trek through the UP of MI. YAY!!! It will be phenomenal!

It is getting harder and harder to stay positive about the future. I caught a break today, but ended up being so sub-par that it wasn't even worth it. It's a dead end from where I stand.

goodbye

Maizy took a turn for the worse this weekend. We knew it was coming. The vet told us a couple weeks ago that with her FIP and anemia that time was limited. The time with her was wonderful, but too short. This little kitty definitely changed our lives forever. We decided to end her suffering this morning. She is now at rest, but we sure do miss our little kitty girl.

What May Come

I think my decision has been made (for me).

And what may happen because of this decision is yet to be seen.

But I suppose it is like that with all decisions.

Gosh, I just want to be able to know that things will turn out alright. That my life won't be in tatters because of this. I want to be able to trust that this is right; that this is the plan going right and not wrong.

Tomorrow is a day full. Confirmation at church tomorrow, followed by lunch at Pastor's. Then I have the distinct pleasure of working on portfolio's all day/night to be ready for Monday and then conferences.

Monday will be interesting. The representative from the State is coming to evaluate the Preschool for All program...thus she will be judging me on things I cannot change. Sucks. And it doesn't help that certain others involved are ready and willing and able to throw me under the bus for personal gain. ANYWAYS, I am confident that I am doing all I can to make the program the best it can be in the circumstances. Though others are constantly trying to thwart my efforts.

Only 8 days of teaching left, 2 days of conferences and 1 day of screenings.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

Decisions.

Making a change is hard. Especially when there are pros and cons to each of the decisions leading to a change. In other words...what do I do? Each choice has equal pros and cons and they directly impact my present and my future. UGH! I want to have faith that either way God will provide and what not, but GOSH!!! I just want to know the right choice to make...and I need to figure it out soon. Like in the next few weeks. And then when I make my choice I have to put together a really detailed plan of action. Pretty much I need to get my act together and start praying hard because I need His help with this one.

Reminder for myself: When you wonder what life holds for you, remember who holds your life.

Saturday, What a Day

Lots of new stuff happens on Saturday's.

We now have dog class in the morning. Dagny has a long way to go. The goal is to get her off leash and people friendly...hmm...we'll see about that! Dagny just has so much love to give (in other words, she is crazy hyper 95% of the time and has no manners what so ever)!

Spent the afternoon at a jewelry party where I bought jewelry I probably don't need but is really nice. It was also a great time to just chat with the ladies from my small group. I am starting to feel as if I can call them more than just church people...maybe friends? Even though I don't have much in common with the ladies there, it is good to just be girls and talk. Even if that meant buying a few pieces of jewelry.

I also spent Tuesday with the same group of women and really enjoyed it. I guess growing up is hard to do. My mom has talked to me about how friends are hard to find once you leave school. And you start finding friends in different places and and finding friends you would have never thought were there. I can only hope that that is the case for me. I desperately want some friends in Rockford.

Well, back to making our meager dinner. Just BBQ chicken and some Mac n' Cheese. A classic dinner for this gorgeous Saturday. And then we are off to see "Alice in Wonderland". (I hope the movie is good, cause I love Alice!)

P.S. Have really started diggin' a new author. Kristin Hannah. She writes great novels, kinda chic lit, but a little deeper. Every one of her books have made me cry so far!

Whats New?

Stress Level (1 low, 10 high) : 8 bordering on 9

Reason for Stress: tornado watches, weight, job, worry about new job, wanting new job, MONEY

Ways to Rid Self of Stress: Ann Taylor LOFT clothing, trying to eat healthier, keeping calm around my pets, baths, getting up earlier so I am not as tired in the morning, praying, breathing.

Reasons to Be Happy: I will be a millionaire someday, October 2011, David, the renewed promise of Easter, new clothes, He doesn't give us more that we can handle, Bible study tomorrow, making dessert pizza, good book to read, love is real.

Keep on truckin'

I cut my hair. It has now grown out and it is getting awkward.

There are a lot of cuts happening to education in the area. A lot of positions being eliminated and a lot of teachers being pink-slipped. It makes me nervous. The programs they are cutting include mine and I really need my job. I also really want to be able to expand my career into new areas and I cannot do that if they are cutting all these other teachers. There are too many people competing for these positions.

I can't help but think that coming here, to Rockford, was a huge mistake. SURE we are doing fine, but I am so jealous of the other girls that I know that graduated with me that LOVE their jobs. I just want to love teaching again.

I also noticed that more and more people are getting pregnant and having babies. It seems so crazy to me that we are old enough to be doing that! It seems like just yesterday I was in high school, graduating college, getting married! Babies seem so far away still! But I have to say I have had the feeling that I do want babies...and maybe soon. Ha! Crazy that I am actually feeling that way!

Otherwise...I feel lonely here in Rockford. Wish I had friends here or at least friends that lived closer. I am really enjoying my Bible study with David, but once again babies. All the couples there have babies...it's as if I need a baby to fit in...or feel like I fit in. I am really missing Michigan and my family. I want it to be spring. I want to be in Florida for spring break! ha!

P.S. Marilyn Monroe wasn't a bimbo...new book I am reading about her is really interesting and it is making me really like her!

is this all?

Sometimes it is hard to remember that there is more than this life.

I tend to get overly consumed with the material and the "here and now" of this world. my job, my house, the newest trends, when in truth, they do not matter. AT ALL.

I am not of this world; this is just my temporary home; a place to be for awhile; while I wait for my King to come.

Now there are some blogs out there that take the time to back this all up with scripture and whatever else. But to me that's not the important part. The important part is that I know and truly believe that I am not of this world. Sure there are exact passages in the Bible that say just that, but faith is more than the Bible.

If fact I see myself as more of a spiritual person as opposed to a religious person. I don't need church or the Bible to know that I am saved and my home is not here.

And sometimes I just wanna go Home. So that I don't get caught up in all of the worldly schtuff that goes on. And at others I cannot wait for the worldly schtuff. Like having children and buying clothes, and moving to a new city/state/house.

Life is certainly a catch 22.